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[13 Sep 2007|03:05pm] |
Journal has been changed to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) jadedxmemoriz
feel free to add. =]
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| Back |
[26 Aug 2007|06:24pm] |
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I'm back! Did ya'll miss me? *sees blank faces* xD
Well, to keep a long story short - during my stay in China, grandmother and I went out to buy clothing, and lots of that indeed - enough to fill two closets, my father say!
So, my soon-to-be room is going to have two closets. Basically, Mom and Dad had a huge fight around mid-July and Dad got up the idea to take her custody rights.. I, of course, didn't exactly have anything against that, having been bullied at my school and all.. not like it would hurt that bad to get away from that place.
At the moment, I've got lots of packing to do (as if Mom actually believes a dirty old cardboard box can fit all my clothing!), so not much time to craft out an eloquent, detailed entry. To make things worse, my annoying little cousin is constantly barging into my room asking to read what's going on in this window (LJ entry) *sigh*
But, yeah, I was no longer able to access LJ, Xanga, and pretty much all other non-Mainland China based blogging sites.. after that last entry on here. As a result of that, a couple people unfriended me (haven't been posting for over a month, bad =/), but that's okay -- thanks to the rest of you for not having done that. =]
Alright, gotta get going, seriously. How has everyone else's summers been? I'll write in detail about my experiences later on, when I have more time on hand.
Ciaorz.
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| Quick Thoughts |
[08 Jul 2007|01:49pm] |
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Finally, some time to myself, and to update! Having not used English for a couple days, I feel as if my writing ability has decreased in some way. Eek.
The previous days were spent mostly in half-sleep mode (due to jet lag), but strangely enough, we were on our feet right the second day, shopping: it's only been about a week and I've managed to fill one suitcase already. Of course, there's still more to be done and one more to fill, and loads of time left. My niece came to visit yesterday, and we talked for a bit. The last time we had met was around five years ago, when she was only six years old, and on this meeting we had both grown and matured significantly. My grandmother took out an early picture of the two of us, and we both laughed, oh how cute we were.
Maybe I'm halfway around the world in distance from them, but my parents' issues don't exactly stop at the Pacific Ocean. Yesterday, my niece and I were interrupted by my father's angry voice on the phone, explaining to myself and grandmother of his latest conflict with mother. And a second time, ten minutes later, accusing my aunt of having threatened him and throwing around unclean language when all he did was ask her for clarification on an issue. I was originally scheduled to pay her and my cousin a visit that night, which was subsequently cancelled due to that.
And what was particularily upsetting for me? Him planning on using the issue in the last entry about me being home alone, in his favour. 'A custody battle is gonna happen sooner or later, you keep that in mind.' Hell.
Anyway, about China. Firstly and obviously, it's hot, but that's not too bothersome thanks to air-conditioning. It's more the over-abundance of people. Ugh, crowded streets, shops, highways; personal space is a rarity outside of your home, and I'm not exaggerating. To top that, the attitudes of most people = severely rude. At least for us, when my grandmother wanted to ask for directions, two people ignored us, one was extremely impatiently.. helpful.
On a side note, we walked past a young couple half-lying on the side of the street, crying in one another's arms. An hour later, on our way back home, they were still there, and still crying. I was a bit annoyed, thinking they were lovers in a fight and wanting attention or something of the sort, but my grandma said instead, these are homeless people. I see people like them all the time. Regardless of who they are, witnessing scenes like that.. it makes you think.
One of my major 'thought-subjects' at the moment is.. I ain't looking forward to going back home. Reality sucks, and what's left of my family sucks as well.
Hope you all are enjoying your summers also. & I'm going to catch up on commenting where I've neglected to do so, hopefully soon. =]
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| Family |
[01 Jul 2007|11:18am] |
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Happy Canada Day! ^^
Good news first! For those who may/may not know, I will be leaving tomorrow morning for China, to visit my grandparents. I miss them a lot; they were the ones who raised me, but honestly, it's less of that and more of I cannot wait to be far away from my parents' drama, the school and its surroundings, and this f-ed up society altogether, even though the one I'm heading towards isn't any the better. It's unfortunate that I can do this only once in so many years! I'll make sure to update every so often, of course, but it's most likely going to be more positive and less angst-y.
And coming back, I pray not to end up like last time, where I ended up crying all the way to the airport and about half the duration of the flight.. just because real life always sucks so much, and vacations only last so long. But I was 8 years old at the time of that, so, yeah.
What about the bad news? Well yeah, I'm sure any reader would have figured out by now, my mom goes out with her boyfriend who lives across the border every so often, and the stay is usually overnight, since the drive back is really long and not a safe idea in the middle of the night. And I'm enjoying and taking advantage of my freedom very much. Before the divorce, I swear I needed a 'complete idiot's guide to independent living'. I mean, yeah, I never stopped nagging them to teach me how to cook and such, but did they take me seriously? No. Sure, when I finally get a chance to stand and watch at the kitchen, do I get a chance to experiment with the materials and make my own meal, at least once? Rarely ever. So what happens, after the little protective family who encourages me to take public transit home from places up to 60km away, but will turn hysteric at the thought of leaving me home alone for a night, dissolves?
I learned how to make my own meal out of raw foods.. through pure experimentation. And so far so good, I've been able to sustain myself for up to 3 days. It's amazing. Now I've gotta figure out how to iron clothing, which I'll be giving a try as well when I figure out whereabouts the iron hides. I still feel like a complete idiot somewhat, but at least I'm making progress that would most certainly not have been made with my parents still around. It's instinctive, them taking over and refusing to let me try hands-on.. and me letting them take over, because if I make the slightest mistake in front of my mother, she gets frustrated and calls me stupid, etc., and nobody would rather get that.
That's good news, right? Well, here's what's ironic and drama-causing in the whole situation.
Dad: She's allowed to take public transit home from 60km away, but she can't stay home alone overnight or else I'll take your custody away.
Mom: She's allowed to stay home alone overnight, but I ain't gonna let her take public transit for such a long distance, ever.
Being allowed to do both would be awesome, actually, except I can guarantee getting lost at least once when it comes to public transit. Especially on buses, you've seriously got to be able to recognize your stop. I'm all for my mother's idea, it's been beneficial for me since the very first time: learning not to have fear that it's all dark and gloomy with just yourself and a dog in the house. A bit stupid, I know.
Yesterday's meeting was awesome; we all went around the circle and introduced ourselves, plus reasons why we decided or are considering to join the Party.. the whole group was laughing when I said who I was, and 'Oh, my'-ing at my reasons for attending, which I found a little nerve-wracking, and the second time round when we were all asked to express our thoughts on an issue, I guess I awed a couple people who regarded me with a hint of despise in the beginning. It wasn't anything so deeply insightful at all, but at least I know how to communicate my thoughts properly, speak in a confident tone, unlike most others was not a repetition of what had been said by previous speakers, and very concisely as well. (Oral Communication = One of the 13 dimensions! =D) One guy spoke for at least 15 minutes, yet his key idea was no more than a sentence's worth.
But my father just had to make me lose composure in front of the others at the end when he asked, 'you sure you can go home? You want us to come accompany you?' (Mom's out again; and he found out)
Damn. That was not a pleasant experience.
Bad news is, he is pissed off out of his mind about this now. What he doesn't know is that she's already done this numerous times in the past.. and very much in my support. Staying home alone for a night is quite a bit safer compared to his proposed plan of 'making me take public transit home from 60km away on at least 2 occasions', I don't understand his.. strange.. thinking at all.
And what did he just have to do to back up his opinion? He called me incompetent. That I didn't have the skills needed to be independent. That I do not know how to live without someone there to watch over me and do all the work for me on a daily basis. That I was a fucking little kid and I had to accept that, which also meant that I accept being incompetent and live with the fact until 18.
So who was it in the beginning that told me, 'if you want to be something, think in present tense, not I want to be, but I already am'? I want to be independent. So all I simply did was think I already am, and allow my actions to follow thoughts, and it's been working. Now What's Wrong With That?
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| Odd Stuff. |
[26 Jun 2007|01:01am] |
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Perhaps, somewhere, there's a little girl, who like any other, just want to live a normal western girl's life, joke about the opposite sex, have silly little crushes, go shopping with friends and never have enough money to spend, party all night when parents are out, give away her virginity on prom night, create endless drama, enjoy being a teenager.. normal. Like everyone else.
But that day never did come. The older I got, the more I began to realize that I was not like everyone else, destined to be an outcast from the start.
My friend, the one who appears more than happy to ditch us for the popular crowd, the one who was the most popular girl ever since first grade, who's never gotten anything below 95% in school.. yeah, we were talking again today. A part of me honestly wonders why she still bothers to hang out with us, since we're not of any importance to her anyway. But then, I guess I can understand.. I may be her 'loser friend', but we do have quite a bit in common.
But then the question is, since we do have so much common ground, how come we were able to hold two extremes on the popularity scale?
I want to know what's wrong with me. Four years ago I asked this, and I've still not received an answer. Friends say, family issues at a young age; parents say, one is despised when they are despicable; psychiatrists say, chronic depression; other adults say, it's a part of growing up. Who's to believe; or are they all wrong?
My friend wants to be a humanitarian aid worker.. 'I know that I live a seemingly perfect life, but to just have that thought is selfish, even more important should be a desire to help others live just as abundantly, to share what I have with those who have not..' ..and hearing that made me feel, invalid, I guess. She is willing to sacrifice her 'near perfect' life for the well-being of others, that is definitely admirable, but what about me? I know I made a long post somewhere about feeling guilty and such living in these current conditions, but all of that came much later, my initial thoughts were that I don't belong in this society, for some reason I've not been able to figure out, that I can't survive here, and that there must be some other less fucked up way to live.
And a thought as simple as that, a desire to 'live life properly', brought me where I am today. When I look back, I find it quite hard to believe how I just one day came out of my decadent lifestyle and became interested in character development instead. For some time, I thought I was after all, a 'normal teenager with a future to pursue', it was the best I'd felt in years, honestly.
But illusions wear off eventually.. no matter what you end up making of yourself, you can't change who you are deep down.
Every outcast has an inner child, who only wants no more than to be accepted and seen as 'normal'.
Whatever, so what if I'm abnormal, it's not gonna hold me back from anything, it can't take away my passions in other aspects of life, and it's not going to try and make me lose any more sleep. *falls asleep on the table*
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| Sometimes.. |
[02 Jun 2007|12:48am] |
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I laugh at myself for even wanting to make something decent out of my life.
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| 孙燕姿 -- 逆光 -- MV |
[21 May 2007|09:25pm] |
For me personally, this is truly the most inspiring music video I have ever seen; just thought I would share it with you all, even though most of you won't be able to understand the song.
Any comments on this?
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| On Random Thoughts |
[20 May 2007|02:01am] |
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It is.. 2AM. And here I am, uninterested in resting my body but actively working on typing this entry instead.
I don't understand it when almost everyone would say, 'sleep is one of life's greatest pleasures' and likewise statements, mainly due to the fact that I was never personally a big fan of sleep - on numerous occasions I would have my mother spot me staying up past midnight, and consequently receive a huge pang of angry decibels at my ear. Luckily though, today she called from across the border and informed me of her decision to stay over at her new boyfriend's place for the night - which means, I'm free to stay up all night if I chose to do so. Luckily, I know better than to take advantage of privileges like that. After all, this is the first time in my life (lame, I know.) that I would have the experience of being home alone overnight.
For some unknown reason, I spent the first half of my day on the FSOA Yahoo group, discovering the greatest interest in reading past messages of Foreign Service candidates reflecting on their assessment day. I was really moved by all the stories, whether it was a pass or fail at the end - their dedication and passion towards joining the FS is truly admirable.
Then again, it's somewhat ironic: through watching (and digging through archives of, due to sheer boredom) the group, I have become rather knowledgeable on the US Department of State's diplomatic hiring process.. and know minimal regarding that of my own country's. Either Canadians don't like or are not permitted to reveal too much detail, or I just am blind about where to look for them.
So, my 'second half of the day' began when a few friends invited me to the movies, and coincidentally, after the movie, the most talkative girl in our group got the craziest idea to begin a discussion with 'Long hair makes you smarter; therefore the US federal government only hires those who have long hair, because they're smart.' She was targeting another girl with long hair, endlessly tormenting her with 'The American government wants you!!!' and her replying, 'I don't want to work for government!!' I swear, their screaming must have carried on non-stop for a full twenty minutes while we waited at the bus stop. And, yeah, it was annoying.
In an attempt to add more flavor, somewhere along the way my friend pointed at me and said to the other, 'You know what? She's always dreamed of working for the federal government, but they disqualified her because her hair was too short - you should be grateful!'
I kind of played along there, shaking my other friend and saying, 'I'm like totally jealous of you!', etc.,.. but at the day's end, when we were about to part for our own homes, I thought it would be amusing to tell the joke-starter that 'yeah it was fun and games, but I was partially serious' - and she was shocked alright, but didn't end up getting the chance to ask me why I could be considering such a thing.
And, yeah, enough said. If I could just be a little less obsessive and take more practical action when it comes to my dreams, well..
=P.
There is still a large spider somewhere in my house, hopefully it's managed to crawl out of my room by now - I was haunted by it for several days, and arachnophobic me had a real hard time dealing with this.
By the way, the userpic - thought it's not a picture of me, it is in fact the 'state' of being I am in, at least 80% of the time. Which is why I defaulted it, lol.
And I am still procrastinating. And I am now starting all of my sentences with 'and's, which I believe is grammatically incorrect to begin with. And -- (another one >_>) -- I have been using poor grammar and style in this entry. Tomorrow when I get up, also, perhaps adding tags to my entries would be fun - most definitely, 'grammatically challenged' would be one of them.
So, it's like, 3AM, and I think it's meaningless to stay up any longer anyways. *yawn*
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| I know I'm stubborn.. |
[11 May 2007|11:31pm] |
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So I'll keep this short and simple.
It appears as if some of my views on life and what not, are too 'unique' to be accepted by others.
Well, don't try to talk me out of them, because except for an ultra-depressing day, I will gain no else.
I won't reconsider anything just 'cause other people want me to, especially when it comes to issues I feel very strongly about.
What happened was, someone had the nerve to bluntly say, 'you're wrong', and as a result I spent the rest of the day sulking, rather than doing what I was supposed to do. Not to mention, couldn't get to sleep until I let the turmoil out through this entry.
One more skill to master: refuse the permission of others to influence my emotions.
And one more; to talk less and act more. Apparently, actions speak louder than words.
So. Please.
/rant over
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| Friendship Analysis |
[06 May 2007|12:09pm] |
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Comment and I'll:
1 - Tell you why I friended you.
2 - Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc. (Or, not)
3 - Tell you something I like about you.
4 - Tell you a memory I have of you.
5 - Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6 - Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7 - In return, you must post this in your LJ
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| Friends Only |
[06 May 2007|01:49am] |
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..Just because it feels that much better to know how my personal ramblings are not being left in the open for millions of unknown persons to view - not like they would, anyway - it's the thought that counts. On a side note, the odd entry or so I would still choose to leave public, just for the sake of it.
So, if you're adding me, please comment here to be added back, or else I may never notice. Thanks. =]
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| Random facts. |
[05 May 2007|11:36am] |
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Ten random facts regarding my life at this date:
1. I'm procrastinating.
2. I seem to have come down with a nasty cold.
3. It's lunch time and I'm not hungry.
4. My social life is non-existent.
5. I am currently listening to my iPod.
6. I referred two friends to LJ; neither of them ever used their account.
7. My feet are cold
8. I still want to get a rename token.
9. Yahoo Answers needs to trash their time limit on receiving answers.
10 Oh great - my MSN just froze.
I find myself rather amusing, still being able to 'feel bored' when there are about a thousand other things on hand I could very well be doing at this time.
Anyone else out there too lazy to get to work as well?
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